yesterday was the pits.

Addendum: Most of the list below was actually written while I was sitting outside of my apartment last night trying to figure out how to get in wallowing in self pity.  I eventually made it in, made it to my bed, and barring the fan, made it to today with no more major incidents.  It has to be said that I am completely aware the list below is actually all fairly minor stuff- I'm sure I'll be fine, and things will work out exactly the way they should.  If nothing else, I only cried once today and it wasn't at my desk, so maybe we can count that as the most minor of victories.

From Yesterday:
Some days just take it out of you and today was one of them.  Here's just a little snippet of what my day looked like:

I ran out of hot water minutes in to my shower

There was a minor break-in in our building

Work was the worst- I cried not once, but twice at my desk (I don't want to talk about it b/c I still feel really sad)

The locksmith must have stopped by to change all the locks as a post break-in precaution which means my keys don't work.

I missed a call from my landlord (probably to tell me where my new key is or how to get in to the building) and my voicemail is full

My landlord wouldn't answer my return call.

I sat outside of my broken in to building for 30 minutes trying to figure how to not be locked out and trying not to cry.  again.  for the third time.

While climbing in to bed (mere minutes after getting inside my apartment) I tried to turn off the light / turn on my ceiling fan and the cord came off in my hands, leaving my fan spinning at a rate of speed that can't really be safe.

I'm going to hope tomorrow will be better… 

p.s. the photo above is of my Elvis front door key that had to be retired for the new locks.  Someday I'll tell you the story of how I ended up with an Elvis front door key and my friend Becky stopped me from buying every single thing in Graceland.  That my friends is a good story...

I'm really bad at a lot of things...

This is my friend Sherri in the middle.  She just had a baby yesterday, so clearly I had a panic attack.



This is me out for a 'Run' (as you can see, I'm more interested in taking artsy selflies than actually running)



This is proof of my cup hoarding problem.

I think this post might be the companion piece to one I tried to write earlier today but couldn't, didn't, wasn't ready to finish.  I'm sure I'll share it at some point, but not right now.  So instead, may I please present to you a list of 25 things I am bad at... in no particular order:

-Cooking.  Doi.
-Drinking 8 glasses of water a day.  Do people really do that?
-Telling people no
-Golf
-Getting up in the morning
-Not checking Facebook and Instagram 718 times a day at work
-Rememberring my life is not a sitcom (no matter how much I sometimes think it should be) and reminding myself I don't always have to make the self deprecating joke to make the studio audience laugh… Sometimes I should just be kind to myself.
-Carrying heavy things
-Excel
-Always paying bills on time
-Being quiet
-Sitting still when there is music playing, especially if I know the words.
-Telling myself no
-Playing it cool in front of my work crush.  So bad.  I am so, so, so, bad at that.
-Doing laundry on a regular basis
-Finding my voice after not writing for awhile
-Buying exactly the right amount of fruits and veggies
-Saving money
-Knowing what to be when I grow up
-Not crying...  I cry at everything.  Evvvvvrything.
-Eating only a little brie and baguette
-Not panicking every time one of my friends gets married or has another baby
-Taking my coffee mugs and tupperware home from work
-Running.  I. just. hate. it.
-Not laughing at my own jokes.  In my defense, sometimes I think I'm really funny.

I love you fall.

There are no less than 987 mazillion reasons I love Fall weather, and here in no specific order are a few of my favorites...

1.Boots and Leggings.
I admittedly will max this look out until people start to wonder if I even own a pair of real pants.  I can't help it.  I'm a former dancer turned lover of comfort and to me there is no better fall option.  I also like the idea that at any given moment I'm ready for any sort of dance emergency that may pop up.  Because, you know, you should always be prepared.

2.Crisp fall air and sunshine.
It's no secret that as a city New York has always had my heart, and the feeling of cool air and warm sun on my cheeks is like walking through Central Park.  It is just right and makes me feel so hopeful.

3.Boys in Plaid.
I thought I loved this weather because of boots and leggings… Then I remembered boys in plaid shirts.  You guys, BOYS IN PLAID SHIRTS!  The other day on the way to work I counted no less that 8 very good looking gentlemen sporting plaid shirts and I was so distracted I almost missed my stop.

4.Hot Apple Cider.
It's like drinking all of fall and the best things about the season.

5.Scarves and Sweaters.
This one isn't my strongest choice alone, but coupled with #1 and #7 I can find no other combo that I would like to wear all of the time.  Also, I secretly feel like this is the easiest look to pull together and achieve the ever elusive and always sought after 'effortlessly striking look' that we're all hoping for.

6.Sleeping under a warm quilt with the window open.
The best sleep you will ever get.  Ever.

7.All of the layers.
See also scarves.  This goes back to the dance thing for sure.  There is a huge difference in being hot and being warm.  Hot is gross and sweaty and I have no control over it.  Warm is being cozy and comfortable and totally in control of my temperature.  In college I would basically wear everything I owned to a ballet class so I could systematically strip off a layer at a time and maintain the perfect temperature.

8.That feeling of something new and exciting.
I'm 31 and haven't been in school for years, but that doesn't stop me from getting that excited, first day of school, big adventure, butterflies in my stomach feeling whenever the first real fall day hits the city.

p.s. the photos above are a little photographic proof of 1, 5, 7, and maybe a little 8.  (For the record I tried to snap a few photos of 3, but I just felt like a creeper.)

p.p.s. if you happen to know 3 who enjoys 6 and 2 and would want to meet for 4… Let me know ;)

I missed you...

A lot.

I wrote my last post a lifetime ago.  It was (and I was) really sad and I had to step away for a while to decompress.  And then, like a neglected friendship, the time and distance set in.  The longer I didn't post, the more embarrassed I got that I hadn't called you, or emailed, or made a coffee date.  Then the more embarrassed I got, the more I dreaded running in to you or making plans.  And then there would have to be that awkward email or call or blog post where I apologize for being a bad, busy, preoccupied friend.  I know it happens, and we all get busy, and you will hopefully all forgive me, but it really has been too long.  So, please consider this my awkward phone call to you to tell you all how I miss you.  I'd like to call more, to write to you, and maybe even get coffee if you're free.  I'd also like to post a few things here and there and I hope you like them.

I'm unemployed.

I'm going on my third month of being jobless.  It started out feeling like a vacation, then a much needed rest, then a time to get my life in order, and now it's just scary.  In the beginning I told people I was 'funemployed' and said I was 'figuring out what to be when I grow up'.  I may have smiled slyly or laughed about it.  Now when people ask I still smile and bat my eyes, but usually it's because I'm blinking back tears.  I'm 73 days into my unemployment, and the fun has run out.

I don't want to be overly dramatic here, but I really do spend 53 percent of my day on the verge of tears.  I'm an admitted crier for sure, but this goes well beyond the usual hallmark commercial or extreme home makeover episode making me tear up.  I've stopped wearing mascara for fear someone asks me how things are going, and I pull a Tammy Faye Baker and end up with black stripes down my face.

Here's were I'm at:  I'm future hunting, career hunting, job hunting, and generally trying to figure life out.  I've spent the last 6 years helping raise other people's babies.  While that qualifies me to be responsible for other people's kids, like they literally trust me with their children's lives, it apparently does not qualify me to answer phones or get coffee for any or all of the down town joe schmo companies in the city.  At least that's how the lady at the staffing / temp agency makes me feel when I call and she tells me they still don't have anything for me.

I want to yell, 'I'd like to see you schedule 3 doctors appointments for 3 different kids around 2 parents schedules, and naps.  All while holding a squirmy one year old, explaining to the 3 year old that while it is o.k. for the dog to lick us, it is not o.k. for us to lick the dog.  Oh and do it while making lunches remembering that the 5 year old will only eat vanilla yogurt with the red spoon and the lid off, but if you even think about opening the 3 year olds blueberry yogurt, or give her a red spoon, God help you because there is no fury like a 3 year old fury because 3 year old fury don't stop!'

Instead in a little voice I say 'O.k. thanks for trying.  Let me know if you hear anything.'

And even now as I sit here writing this, I'm blinking back hot tears.  I'm sitting in the window of the coffee shop I started to come to when my apartment walls feel like they are closing in around me, trying not to cry, trying to stay positive, and trying to figure out if I really need insurance because I'm going to have to pick between that and rent this month.

The worst part is I get it.  I understand that the last 6 years look like a huge hole to potential employers, I realize that the degree I got in acting and dance isn't the most marketable choice I could have made, and that choreographing for high schools in the suburbs is not going to get my foot in the door.  The problem is I don't know what to do about.  Up until 2 months ago these things were some of my proudest accomplishments.  Right now though, I just feel bad.  and sad.

I also realize almost everyone has been there, here where I am, and that a lot of people have it a lot worse, but right now I can't hear about that because I'm barely keeping my head above water.  I'm not even sure where to start.  2 months ago I thought I'd apply for a few jobs, something would fall in my lap and I'd live happily ever after.  I didn't necessarily think I'd find my career, but I did think I'd find some kind of cool job where I got to be creative and work hard, and look cute doing it.  When that didn't happen I started considering other jobs, like maybe I could go back in to retail and really pursue acting.  Up until now I've acted around my work schedule, but maybe this could be the time to find agents, and really give this theatre thing a go.  When that didn't happen I called a few temp to hire places and figured I could try my hand at a few different things with them while still looking for something cool to do.  That's not really going as expected either.  I'm just more confused than when I started, 73 days in, and with no idea where to go from here.

So that's my unemployment so far.  I'm trying to stay positive, trying to stay a float, and trying to not cry… at least in public.

What's new: 19

(the bride and groom making their big entrance)

I know, I know, I'm late on this one, but I sweat I have a good excuse!  Two of my good friends got married this weekend, and it was beautiful.  It was happy tears, drinks, no time to sit because there was too much dancing, after hours, late night pizza in party dresses good.  It was exactly the fun time I needed after the week I had.  Last week was rough for a million reasons.  I want to tell you all about them, but they kind of bleed in to this week and what I'm doing and what's going on, so I'll save those stories for this weeks blog.

Stupid week and stupendous weekend aside, here are a few new things:

-I thought it'd be awesome to blog about whatever I wanted, really it was not as easy as I thought.

-I really like dressing up.

-Apparently I know how to Dougie… who knew?

-When in doubt, (or life crisis) throw on a bright lip and a high heel.  Your view point totally changes.

-I get by with a little help from my friends…





*Admittedly this week didn't go as planned, I didn't go out to dinner, post any pictures of me in pretty outfits, share any of my 'favorite' things, or give any sage advice.  I did however survive, and sometimes that has to be enough.  I'm reserving the right to try this one again, but for now it's on the the next one...

Notes from the front lines...

Here are just a few tidbits from my day so far...

-Chances are if you call the place I'm temping at today, you're trying to get a hold of Tom.  Tom's not answerring his phone, so I'll tranfer you to Rick like you ask, but his line has been busy all morning.  Sorry Sir.

-I don't have printing priveledges...

-Don't you dare try and deliver a pallet of sealant here, to me, to this office... Clearly it's for a job site, not an office building, and until you figure out which one, I just can not help you.

-The Dragon Lady was just nice to me...  I'm not sure if that actually means she's being nice, or if she's trying to lure me into a false sense of security before unleashing her pent-up fury on me when no one else is looking.*

-When all else fails talk about golf clubs.

-Now I'm avoiding the Dragon Lady at all costs.  For those of you I'm not gchatting with right now, the Dragon Lady is the women who I thought was supposed to show me the ropes and who I call when I have a question about something.  There was some confusion though because she thinks her job is to give me the side eye every chance she gets and then say such passive agressive phrases as "you know you're doing that wrong, riiiight?"

-I've decided to spend the day pretending all the guys who work here are either friends with my dad or brother.  For some reason it makes it way easier to joke with them and fit in.  Also, it makes it seem a lot more like I'm a college student home for break, and not an almost thirty something having a major life crisis.

-'Have a good one, enjoy the weather!'  Has come out of my mouth no less than 487 times. 

-I control the door to the locked bathroom- bitches!

-Writing this list just brought me 23 minutes closer to 5:30.  BAM!


*Whoa, whoa, whoa, The Dragon Lady was just nice to me again.  She even smiled at me and said 'thank you'.  My mind is blown.  Either the tide is turning, or per my above fury theory, come 5:00- my ass is grass.