I'm unemployed.

I'm going on my third month of being jobless.  It started out feeling like a vacation, then a much needed rest, then a time to get my life in order, and now it's just scary.  In the beginning I told people I was 'funemployed' and said I was 'figuring out what to be when I grow up'.  I may have smiled slyly or laughed about it.  Now when people ask I still smile and bat my eyes, but usually it's because I'm blinking back tears.  I'm 73 days into my unemployment, and the fun has run out.

I don't want to be overly dramatic here, but I really do spend 53 percent of my day on the verge of tears.  I'm an admitted crier for sure, but this goes well beyond the usual hallmark commercial or extreme home makeover episode making me tear up.  I've stopped wearing mascara for fear someone asks me how things are going, and I pull a Tammy Faye Baker and end up with black stripes down my face.

Here's were I'm at:  I'm future hunting, career hunting, job hunting, and generally trying to figure life out.  I've spent the last 6 years helping raise other people's babies.  While that qualifies me to be responsible for other people's kids, like they literally trust me with their children's lives, it apparently does not qualify me to answer phones or get coffee for any or all of the down town joe schmo companies in the city.  At least that's how the lady at the staffing / temp agency makes me feel when I call and she tells me they still don't have anything for me.

I want to yell, 'I'd like to see you schedule 3 doctors appointments for 3 different kids around 2 parents schedules, and naps.  All while holding a squirmy one year old, explaining to the 3 year old that while it is o.k. for the dog to lick us, it is not o.k. for us to lick the dog.  Oh and do it while making lunches remembering that the 5 year old will only eat vanilla yogurt with the red spoon and the lid off, but if you even think about opening the 3 year olds blueberry yogurt, or give her a red spoon, God help you because there is no fury like a 3 year old fury because 3 year old fury don't stop!'

Instead in a little voice I say 'O.k. thanks for trying.  Let me know if you hear anything.'

And even now as I sit here writing this, I'm blinking back hot tears.  I'm sitting in the window of the coffee shop I started to come to when my apartment walls feel like they are closing in around me, trying not to cry, trying to stay positive, and trying to figure out if I really need insurance because I'm going to have to pick between that and rent this month.

The worst part is I get it.  I understand that the last 6 years look like a huge hole to potential employers, I realize that the degree I got in acting and dance isn't the most marketable choice I could have made, and that choreographing for high schools in the suburbs is not going to get my foot in the door.  The problem is I don't know what to do about.  Up until 2 months ago these things were some of my proudest accomplishments.  Right now though, I just feel bad.  and sad.

I also realize almost everyone has been there, here where I am, and that a lot of people have it a lot worse, but right now I can't hear about that because I'm barely keeping my head above water.  I'm not even sure where to start.  2 months ago I thought I'd apply for a few jobs, something would fall in my lap and I'd live happily ever after.  I didn't necessarily think I'd find my career, but I did think I'd find some kind of cool job where I got to be creative and work hard, and look cute doing it.  When that didn't happen I started considering other jobs, like maybe I could go back in to retail and really pursue acting.  Up until now I've acted around my work schedule, but maybe this could be the time to find agents, and really give this theatre thing a go.  When that didn't happen I called a few temp to hire places and figured I could try my hand at a few different things with them while still looking for something cool to do.  That's not really going as expected either.  I'm just more confused than when I started, 73 days in, and with no idea where to go from here.

So that's my unemployment so far.  I'm trying to stay positive, trying to stay a float, and trying to not cry… at least in public.