I'm unemployed.

I'm going on my third month of being jobless.  It started out feeling like a vacation, then a much needed rest, then a time to get my life in order, and now it's just scary.  In the beginning I told people I was 'funemployed' and said I was 'figuring out what to be when I grow up'.  I may have smiled slyly or laughed about it.  Now when people ask I still smile and bat my eyes, but usually it's because I'm blinking back tears.  I'm 73 days into my unemployment, and the fun has run out.

I don't want to be overly dramatic here, but I really do spend 53 percent of my day on the verge of tears.  I'm an admitted crier for sure, but this goes well beyond the usual hallmark commercial or extreme home makeover episode making me tear up.  I've stopped wearing mascara for fear someone asks me how things are going, and I pull a Tammy Faye Baker and end up with black stripes down my face.

Here's were I'm at:  I'm future hunting, career hunting, job hunting, and generally trying to figure life out.  I've spent the last 6 years helping raise other people's babies.  While that qualifies me to be responsible for other people's kids, like they literally trust me with their children's lives, it apparently does not qualify me to answer phones or get coffee for any or all of the down town joe schmo companies in the city.  At least that's how the lady at the staffing / temp agency makes me feel when I call and she tells me they still don't have anything for me.

I want to yell, 'I'd like to see you schedule 3 doctors appointments for 3 different kids around 2 parents schedules, and naps.  All while holding a squirmy one year old, explaining to the 3 year old that while it is o.k. for the dog to lick us, it is not o.k. for us to lick the dog.  Oh and do it while making lunches remembering that the 5 year old will only eat vanilla yogurt with the red spoon and the lid off, but if you even think about opening the 3 year olds blueberry yogurt, or give her a red spoon, God help you because there is no fury like a 3 year old fury because 3 year old fury don't stop!'

Instead in a little voice I say 'O.k. thanks for trying.  Let me know if you hear anything.'

And even now as I sit here writing this, I'm blinking back hot tears.  I'm sitting in the window of the coffee shop I started to come to when my apartment walls feel like they are closing in around me, trying not to cry, trying to stay positive, and trying to figure out if I really need insurance because I'm going to have to pick between that and rent this month.

The worst part is I get it.  I understand that the last 6 years look like a huge hole to potential employers, I realize that the degree I got in acting and dance isn't the most marketable choice I could have made, and that choreographing for high schools in the suburbs is not going to get my foot in the door.  The problem is I don't know what to do about.  Up until 2 months ago these things were some of my proudest accomplishments.  Right now though, I just feel bad.  and sad.

I also realize almost everyone has been there, here where I am, and that a lot of people have it a lot worse, but right now I can't hear about that because I'm barely keeping my head above water.  I'm not even sure where to start.  2 months ago I thought I'd apply for a few jobs, something would fall in my lap and I'd live happily ever after.  I didn't necessarily think I'd find my career, but I did think I'd find some kind of cool job where I got to be creative and work hard, and look cute doing it.  When that didn't happen I started considering other jobs, like maybe I could go back in to retail and really pursue acting.  Up until now I've acted around my work schedule, but maybe this could be the time to find agents, and really give this theatre thing a go.  When that didn't happen I called a few temp to hire places and figured I could try my hand at a few different things with them while still looking for something cool to do.  That's not really going as expected either.  I'm just more confused than when I started, 73 days in, and with no idea where to go from here.

So that's my unemployment so far.  I'm trying to stay positive, trying to stay a float, and trying to not cry… at least in public.

What's new: 19

(the bride and groom making their big entrance)

I know, I know, I'm late on this one, but I sweat I have a good excuse!  Two of my good friends got married this weekend, and it was beautiful.  It was happy tears, drinks, no time to sit because there was too much dancing, after hours, late night pizza in party dresses good.  It was exactly the fun time I needed after the week I had.  Last week was rough for a million reasons.  I want to tell you all about them, but they kind of bleed in to this week and what I'm doing and what's going on, so I'll save those stories for this weeks blog.

Stupid week and stupendous weekend aside, here are a few new things:

-I thought it'd be awesome to blog about whatever I wanted, really it was not as easy as I thought.

-I really like dressing up.

-Apparently I know how to Dougie… who knew?

-When in doubt, (or life crisis) throw on a bright lip and a high heel.  Your view point totally changes.

-I get by with a little help from my friends…





*Admittedly this week didn't go as planned, I didn't go out to dinner, post any pictures of me in pretty outfits, share any of my 'favorite' things, or give any sage advice.  I did however survive, and sometimes that has to be enough.  I'm reserving the right to try this one again, but for now it's on the the next one...

Notes from the front lines...

Here are just a few tidbits from my day so far...

-Chances are if you call the place I'm temping at today, you're trying to get a hold of Tom.  Tom's not answerring his phone, so I'll tranfer you to Rick like you ask, but his line has been busy all morning.  Sorry Sir.

-I don't have printing priveledges...

-Don't you dare try and deliver a pallet of sealant here, to me, to this office... Clearly it's for a job site, not an office building, and until you figure out which one, I just can not help you.

-The Dragon Lady was just nice to me...  I'm not sure if that actually means she's being nice, or if she's trying to lure me into a false sense of security before unleashing her pent-up fury on me when no one else is looking.*

-When all else fails talk about golf clubs.

-Now I'm avoiding the Dragon Lady at all costs.  For those of you I'm not gchatting with right now, the Dragon Lady is the women who I thought was supposed to show me the ropes and who I call when I have a question about something.  There was some confusion though because she thinks her job is to give me the side eye every chance she gets and then say such passive agressive phrases as "you know you're doing that wrong, riiiight?"

-I've decided to spend the day pretending all the guys who work here are either friends with my dad or brother.  For some reason it makes it way easier to joke with them and fit in.  Also, it makes it seem a lot more like I'm a college student home for break, and not an almost thirty something having a major life crisis.

-'Have a good one, enjoy the weather!'  Has come out of my mouth no less than 487 times. 

-I control the door to the locked bathroom- bitches!

-Writing this list just brought me 23 minutes closer to 5:30.  BAM!


*Whoa, whoa, whoa, The Dragon Lady was just nice to me again.  She even smiled at me and said 'thank you'.  My mind is blown.  Either the tide is turning, or per my above fury theory, come 5:00- my ass is grass.

Happy List.

O.k. for those of you that were concerned, today is turning out to be waaaaaay better than yesterday already.  To keep the positive swing going, here are 10 things making me happy right now:

1.  Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes... Say what you will, but if this is playing, I am for sure dancing around in my apartment.  (or anywhere really)

2.  I'm having a really good hair day.

3.  I drove to work (or the work I'm temping at) and got to park in their garage

4.  Coffee.  I'm drinking it right now, and it's true love.

5.  The weather is beautiful right now.  Chicago winter predictions be damned!  I'll deal with it when it comes, right now I'm not even thinking about tomorrow's weather.  I'll just enjoy today.

6.  I don't want to sound conceited here, especially after #2, but I'm also having a really good outfit day.  The look is relaxed office casual, and looks a bit like I just threw everything on and happened to look totally put together.  I relish these days.

7.  I'm hanging out with friends later, seeing some really good dance, and possibly (really, totally probably) getting atleast one drink after the show.

8.  My friends Jackie and Justin are getting married on Saturday, and I couldn't be more excited to celebrate, see friends, and relax.

9.  Frozen Yogurt.  While I'm not eating any right now (it's a long story) I am just days away from Frozen-Yogurt-Palooza at my apartment.

10.  I'm officially in the less than a month birthday countdown.  While I could do without the whole new decade thing, I still get really excited about having my very own special day to celebrate!


What's making you happy right now?

nogoodhorriblerottenverybadday.

Sometimes when the going gets tough, the tough have a beer.  

Aaaaand as my roommate says, 'With a day this bad, tomorrow is bound to be better for you.'

Fingers. Crossed.

Specless.

Soooo, I lost my glasses.  Then I found them.  And then I lost them.  And now I'm sad.

A few months ago I was on Martha's Vineyard and apparently I left my glasses at the hotel I was staying at. (There's the lost part)

About a month ago, I was back on The Vineyard and staying at the same place.  On my way out of town it ocurred to me the glasses could be at the hotel.  The nice front desk clerk confirmed they had infact found them, and logged them in their lost and found system. (There's the found part.)

I couldn't wait to have someone physically find them because I had to catch a flight, but the nice front desk clerk assured me they'd locate them and give me a call.  I've been trying to get a hold of someone from the hotel, who can actually get the glasses in hand, so they can be sent to me in Chicago, so I can see again.  After no less than 5 phone calls I finally got a call back from one of the afore mentioned hotel's employees, who in a saccarine sweet voice informed me (over my voicemail) that my glasses had regretfully been 'purged' and to have a nice day... (There's the lost part.)

Apparently the hotel threw away my beautiful, expensive, grown-up, help me see everything clearly, geek-sheek glasses.  Aaaaaand I'm really angry.

What does one do in this situation!?!
(besides throw a temper tantrum and cry- because that's really all I can come up with right now!)

A Blogger… Me!?!

I always say I have a blog, but I never tell people I'm a blogger…

In my mind bloggers live in New York, dress up everyday, have lunch meetings, and live fabulously interesting lives that thousands of people want to read about.  I on the other hand am sitting here in my living room, watching Law and Order SVU in my work out clothes, and the most exciting thing I've done today was get an apple donut at Dinkels on the way home from working out…

I wouldn't say I'm a blogger.

This week however, I'm going to try.  I'll read a bunch of new blogs, I'll comment on them and leave a link to 52weeks.  I'll do interesting things and share them with you.  I'll write about whatever comes to mind, or the cool stuff I happen upon and think you should see.  Mostly, I'll play it cool and have fun.  I may even dress up a little!






*Let's just pretend that this is my living room…

The Bonus Birthday List...

O.k., so it's official… Exactly one month from yesterday yours truly will turn the big 3-0.  It's really happening, and I will gladly welcome the day with open arms, especially if that means one or two of theses dreamy presents…


A personalized Goyard St. Louis PM Tote.  (oversized of course!)

A Michael Kors oversized Runway watch.

Tickets to see this documentary.  (watch the trailer too…)

This pretty 'IL alway love you' necklace. (Apparently you've got to move fast around here!  Last night my supremely thoughtful sister-in-law let me know I should pull this one off the market.  I have a hunch I may be seeing it as a beautiful birthday surprise!  I'll keep the link up though because it's so pretty… And don't worry,  if you're still looking, no one's gotten me the Goyard Tote yet!)

An iPhone 4S.

A Banksy original.  (or a framed print… because you can download them for free.  Thanks Banksy!)

This Wayne funnel neck leather coat.  (a girl can dream.)


...There are at least a few more things that I'd like for my birthday, or that I think are cool and would love to share, so I'll keep updating this list, all the while knowing it's for funsies…

what's new: 18

O.k., I'm going to make this one quick.  Mostly because it's already Monday, I should have done this yesterday, aaaaaand because I could talk for hours about facing my fears (because I feel like a total badass after the Tarantula/Scorpion thing).  So, without further adieu here is what's new from a week of facing my fears.

-I was shocked at the amount of comments I got on my weight / stats post.  It was most shocking because the majority of the comments, texts, and thumbs up were from guys.  I didn't want that whole thing to be an I am woman,  girl power kind of thing, but I was pleasantly surprised at the dude power awesomeness I got.  Thanks fellas!

-I AM A SUPREMEM BAD ASS!  Probably one of the coolest things I've ever done was petting those disgusting, hairy, gross, creepy crawlers, not because I conquered my fear, but because for maybe 35 seconds I wasn't crippled by it.

-I don't plan on going around touching anything with 8 legs anytime soon… If this means I'm only a supreme bad ass in a controlled environment, with my friend Kyle, a staff of pet store workers, and Willie the wonder bug wrangler, I'll still take it.

-Lot's of people are scared of the things I'm scared of.  While it doesn't make me any less scared of those things, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

-I survived my scary movie viewing with no nightmares, but I don't plan on watching Saw, The Shining, or any of the like any time soon.

-I'm still job hunting, agent hunting, and sending out resumes and headshots left and right, so by all means if you have ideas, or connections, or suggestions- Send them my way!

Lastly, I found this quote from Ira Glass the other day and thought it was awesome so I'll share it with you. It sums up where I'm at and why I'm still trying:

Scary Movies

I wouldn't say I hate scary movies, I would say I despise them with a terror so visceral it's like my left brain has shut off, and I loose all ability to reason.  It's odd too because the things that should legitimately terrify me such as being in month 2 of my funemployment, my quickly dwindling checking account balance, or the even more crappy job market, don't really scare me at all.  In matters of reason I remain totally happily blissfully optimistic.  However, when it comes to a zombie living under my bed, or the possibility that there could be a serial killer in my closet when I get home from work and I'm all alone, I can make myself believe I am in a danger so imminent that I have been known to (on occasion) get a running start somewhere in my kitchen, leap from my doorway to my bed, and upon mattress touchdown, scramble all the way under my covers.  This way in the process, my feet never touch my bedroom floor, (where the zombies could get me) and I am hidden as quickly as possible under blankets, (clearly so the serial killer won't see me.)

However, zombies be damned, this week is the week to be scared, so I'm doing it.  With the help of my roommate Katie, I'm biting the bullet and watching a scary movie.  It has to be said that it's really hard to rent a scary movie nowadays with the lack of movie stores, and my not having netflix.  I was left with the red box, and since it's still September, the pickings were slim.  I've managed to find a thriller for Katie and I to watch, so wish us luck!